If you’ve been married for a while, you probably know this truth already:

Some days feel magical.
Some days feel ordinary.
And some days feel like you’re co-piloting a minivan through a very long to-do list.

But here’s the good news — you don’t have to reinvent your marriage from scratch to feel close again. Sometimes the spark is hiding right inside the story you’ve already lived.

Relationship researchers have spent years studying memory, connection, and emotional closeness, and the findings are remarkably hopeful:

Your shared memories can actually reignite warmth, affection, and connection — starting today.

Let’s explore five simple, research-backed ways to bring that spark back using the moments you’ve already lived together.

One of the simplest things you can do?
Tell each other an "early days with you" story.

Not a big one — just one that makes you smile.

Psychologists Nicole Alea and Susan Bluck (2007) found that when couples revisit personal memories, it increases feelings of intimacy. The act of remembering pulls forward all the emotions connected to that moment:

• the butterflies
• the excitement
• the curiosity
• the “Is this going somewhere?” feeling

When you tell those stories again, you aren’t just recalling facts…
you’re reconnecting with who you were when you first fell in love.

Try this:
Ask, “Do you remember the first time you realized you liked me?”
See where it goes.

You don’t need a full scrapbook session — one photo works wonders.

In studies on nostalgia, Wildschut and Sedikides (2006) found that simply revisiting positive memories increases feelings of closeness, belonging, and emotional warmth.

Photos are powerful because they spark:

• sensory memories
• emotional memories
• the context of your life back then
• the meaning of the moment

Sometimes we think connection requires huge gestures.
But truly?
A single picture can reopen a whole chapter of love.

Try this:
Pull up a photo from your first year together and share what you remember about that moment.

Life gets heavy sometimes — jobs, health issues, kids, aging parents, financial stress.

Research by Batcho (2013) found that nostalgia actually helps people cope during difficult times. Positive memories give us:

• comfort
• perspective
• emotional steadiness

When couples revisit shared strengths, they remember, “We’ve made it through things before… we can make it through this too.”

A memory won’t fix the problem — but it can rekindle your togetherness.

Try this:
Say, “Remember when things were tough that one year and how we figured it out?”
Let the memory remind you of your team skills.

This tip comes from one of my favorite findings in relationship research.

Aron et al. (2000) discovered that doing something new together increases closeness and relationship satisfaction — especially when it’s tied to shared activity or novelty.

So, instead of simply revisiting a memory…
you build a new layer on top of it.

Examples:

• If your first date was pizza, find a new pizza place.
• If you used to take evening walks, pick a completely different route.
• If you bonded over music, recreate a playlist from your early days and listen to it on a drive.

It’s the combination of nostalgia + novelty that lights things up again.

Try this:
Pick one early activity and plan a “remix” version for this month.

There’s a fascinating concept in psychology called the “rosy glow” effect.

Researchers Mitchell, Thompson, and colleagues found that when we look back on meaningful experiences, our brains naturally soften the rough edges and highlight what mattered most. We remember the feeling more than the frustration. The connection more than the inconvenience.

This isn’t self-deception.
It’s how memory helps us make sense of our lives.

And in marriage, this matters.

When couples revisit their shared past, they often remember:

• how much effort they once made for each other
• how intentional those early moments felt
• how chosen they felt by one another

That glow doesn’t mean things were perfect back then.
It means the meaning rises to the surface.

And here’s the important part:
That warmth doesn’t stay stuck in the past.

When you allow yourself to feel it — even briefly — it tends to spill into the present. You notice what’s steady. What’s familiar. What’s still quietly holding you together.

Try this:
The next time you recall an early memory, don’t rush past it.
Pause and ask, “What about that moment still exists in us today?”

You might be surprised by the answer.

Marriage doesn’t stay alive because everything is exciting all the time.
It lasts because two people keep finding their way back to what matters.

Your shared memories do a lot of that quiet work for you. They hold the reminders of how you met, what you navigated together, and the small moments that slowly turned into something steady and meaningful.

Looking back isn’t about wishing for another season.
It’s about remembering the why underneath this one.

Your story is still being written. And sometimes, the simplest way to feel close again is to pause, remember how far you’ve come — and let that warmth carry you into whatever comes next.

Until next time,

Tami

References:

Alea, N., & Bluck, S. (2007). I’ll keep you in mind: The intimacy function of autobiographical memory. Applied Cognitive Psychology, 21(8), 1091–1111. https://doi.org/10.1002/acp.1316

Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples' shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.273

Batcho, K. I. (2013). Nostalgia: Retreat or support in difficult times? American Journal of Psychology, 126(3), 355–367. https://doi.org/10.5406/amerjpsyc.126.3.0355

Mitchell, T. R., Thompson, L., Peterson, E., & Cronk, R. (1997). Temporal adjustments in the evaluation of events: The “rosy view.” Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 33(4), 421–448.

Wildschut, T., Sedikides, C., Arndt, J., & Routledge, C. (2006). Nostalgia: Content, triggers, functions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 975–993.